Hello everyone, long time no see. The last time I updated my website was over a year ago. Although I haven't been writing on my blog for so long, I haven't given up. I haven't written much here, but it feels like writing has become a part of my life. In the past year, I have had some interesting ideas and created some interesting things, and I have had the urge to write them down here.
Unfortunately, my mental health was really worrying last year, and my daily routine was a mess. I relied on my friends to get through each day. Looking back on that time, it felt like there was no light at the end of the tunnel. Maybe one day I will write about that experience.
You can imagine that for someone who lacks the motivation to even get out of bed, it is too difficult to continue writing a blog, no matter how much I love it. I kept questioning the meaning of everything in my life. I thought about how others spent their time studying while I was busy tinkering and writing blogs, and it made me feel restless. However, while I was thinking this way, I didn't spend more time on the things I "should" be doing. Instead, I fell into the dilemma of feeling like I wasn't doing anything productive and yet not doing anything about it. In the end, I didn't accomplish anything.
After the Chinese New Year, I returned to Guangzhou from Jiangsu and had some time off. I didn't write two papers, but I had no motivation to read or think. This morning, after the announcement of the results of the "Double First-Class" selection, our university, as expected, failed to make the cut. When the news came out, my friends' social media feeds were filled with lamentations. I couldn't hold back my emotions and posted a long rant. Unexpectedly, I received some comforting messages from friends I hadn't contacted in a while. It seems that everyone is going through the pains of growth. The advice they gave me was similar: stop blaming myself, let go of past choices, and focus on what I can control in the present. Of course, the specific content of their comforting messages is no longer important to me. Knowing that I'm not that bad and that there are many people who care about me and support me, my fluctuating emotions gradually stabilized.
Sitting in front of the computer, I thought, why not? Since I have the time, instead of doing nothing, why not let go of self-blame and do something cool. So I opened my computer and started typing without much thought. The year-long pause gave me a chance to reflect. Although this blog was started purely out of interest, it does have an element of performance. I am a layman in terms of technology, but I think talking about technical things is cool. When I encounter a problem and find some technical articles, I think the authors are amazing. So when I write, I try to use various Markdown syntax to make the page look cool. However, looking back now, some of the content seems childish, and some of it feels forced. I wrote for the sake of writing, for the sake of a cool appearance. I think that's not meaningful, so I plan to make my blog a small piece of my own, where I write purely for my own happiness. I will write about anything I find interesting, even if they are not cool. I can write about a beautiful photo I saw, or a TV show or movie I enjoyed. I can also chat with you (actually, with myself) like I am doing now, in my mind.
In short, I want my blog to become a true hobby, not a burden. Writing a blog itself brings me joy, and then I share the things that make me happy. If I can help even one person, then my happiness becomes more meaningful. So, thank you to each and every one of you who has read this far. It is because of your presence that my somewhat ridiculous hobby has a meaning beyond satisfying myself.
In 2022, I hope I can pick up this hobby again and remember the beauty of life from here. Then, I will face future challenges with more courage.