This article has been written intermittently three times. I originally planned to finish it on the 9th, but the content turned out to be a bit much, and with procrastination kicking in, I ended up writing a bit more on the 29th (which happened to be the eighth day of the fifth month). However, it coincided with finals, so I didn't have much time to write seriously. Now it's the 11th, and I've just finished my exams, finally having some time to complete this piece.
In the blink of an eye, my 20th birthday has arrived. Recently, time seems to be passing faster and faster; looking back, it feels like last year's and the year before's birthdays weren't that long ago. Although these past few years haven't been particularly glorious moments in life, such a round number birthday seems to lack a sense of ceremony if I don't write something.
20 years old, an age I once thought was completely out of reach, has quietly come upon me. I still find it hard to believe that I am already approaching my thirties. I used to often tell others that my experience at "eight years old" had a profound impact on me, yet in the blink of an eye, twelve years have passed since I was eight.
In these 20 years, I was born in Taizhou, spent a few years in my hometown, then went to Zhengzhou, and later lived in Guangzhou for a long time: from kindergarten until I graduated from high school. It wasn't until university that the city of Beijing entered my life.
If I were to describe my state at 20, my answer might be the same as it has been for the past two years of university: confused. I am really confused; ever since I got into university, pain and confusion seem to have become the background of my life. I don't know if it's confusion that causes pain or pain that leads to confusion; perhaps the two are mutually reinforcing. I don't want this state to continue. Since 20 is such a special milestone, why not take this opportunity to reflect on my past and think about my future?
What kind of person am I?#
This question is one I've been asking myself since I was very young. I used to be particularly afraid of self-introductions (and I still am; I don't know why I say "used to"), because I always felt I couldn't describe or summarize myself in just a few words.
The person I used to be#
When I was younger, I probably didn't think too much. In kindergarten and elementary school, I always played carefree with everyone. Perhaps my memories are not deep, but it seems there were very few particularly sad moments back then. The real feeling of "dissatisfaction" with myself probably started from sixth grade to the beginning of middle school. At that time, I often wondered why everyone didn't want to play with me (haha, so childish)? Looking back now, my temper back then could really be described as "quirky." Recently, I impulsively browsed through my old QQ space posts and was stunned; I didn't know how to describe the tone of my speech back then. To my current self, those sentences felt particularly stiff, and my attitude towards others was almost rude. Seeing some chat screenshots and interactions with friends that I occasionally posted, I felt that my personality was incredibly foreign. Perhaps I thought I wasn't "cool" enough at that time and wanted to attract attention from those around me with a special attitude. Unfortunately, I chose a rather off-putting attitude, and I really overdid it. During that time, I was indeed very foolish; people around me didn't like me, and I didn't like myself either, so it wasn't surprising.
Things began to change in high school. I still remember how I cherished this "new beginning" when I first entered high school. I was eager to do well in things I hadn't done well before and wanted to become a person I was satisfied with and that others liked. I chose what might be the simplest way, which was to be a "good person." In the early days of high school, I was genuinely invested in "thinking of others." When talking to people, I always thought about what they wanted to hear. When I saw others in difficulty, I thought about whether I could help. When there were tasks to do, I always wondered whether I should do them myself... These actions sound noble, but in reality, the reason I did them wasn't because I was a noble person; on the contrary, I was just pragmatically hoping to exchange these actions for a "good person" image, so that everyone would accept and like me.
This method seemed quite effective at first; at least I didn't feel like I disliked myself anymore. However, the negative side of this opportunistic behavior quickly became apparent. First of all, my "thinking of others" and "actively contributing" were motivated by self-interest, and these actions often had a low return on investment. This made me feel like I was doing a lot, but the people around me were rarely willing to reciprocate to my level. Looking back now, this is actually easy to understand because others didn't think about gaining something like I did, and I was performing like a "good person." A good person is often genuinely good from the heart, so naturally, people wouldn't think that my "goodness" was actually a way to exchange for something. However, I didn't understand this at the time, so I often felt frustrated, thinking that I had done so much, yet why didn't everyone welcome me or treat me well as I had hoped? Looking back now, it really seems childish and ridiculous. Because of this, I began to feel "lost." Perhaps it was from this moment that I forgot what kind of personality I originally had because I pretended to be very good, constantly choosing to cater to others' preferences and changing my behavior, while deep down, I knew I wasn't that kind of person. In this mix of truth and falsehood, I lost my original self. I became even more afraid of self-introductions.
The turning point came one day when I heard my father say something along the lines of not always thinking that others should help you, whether friends or strangers, "Helping you is a favor; not helping is the norm." I remember feeling particularly touched at that moment because I realized I had taken too many things for granted, especially thinking that since I was good to everyone, they should also be good to me. But things aren't that simple; often, such naive thoughts are just my own wishful thinking. My "helping" others as a "good person" was my own choice, and similarly, if others were willing to accept and reciprocate, that was their freedom, not something that should be taken for granted like an "equal exchange." Even if they don't accept or reciprocate, that is completely legitimate because in a situation where both parties are fully voluntary, the so-called "obligation" doesn't exist at all. I also began to understand that sometimes I could be a bit more casual; as long as I didn't harm others for malicious reasons and didn't violate some basic principles, it was actually normal. No one stipulates that one's value must be derived from others' recognition. It's not that everyone has to like you to mean you have a good personality; in fact, as long as most people don't dislike you, that's normal. I had previously cared too much about others' opinions, always thinking that only when everyone recognized me could I recognize myself. But now I feel that others' recognition isn't as important as I once thought, so I have also let go of the burden of utilitarianism. I no longer do things just to earn a word of affirmation from others; instead, I do things because I feel it's right. This change has really made both me and those around me much more relaxed, and it should be considered an important growth for me in high school.
However, I didn't regain a clear sense of who I was because of this change. I still fear self-introductions (laughs), but I believe I have taken a step in the right direction.
The person I am now#
Perhaps because of this change, I no longer value this "new beginning" of university, but looking back now, I realize my lack of attention was a bit excessive, almost negligent. First of all, when I filled out my application, I naively thought that my first choice was a stable option, so I didn't take it seriously and even filled in a new school I didn't know much about (yes, it's the school I'm at now). On the day the application deadline closed, I was lying in my hometown's bed watching "Game of Thrones" at six o'clock, confidently skipping the final check, so of course, I received an admission result that surprised me. After entering university, I felt even less "actively" facing the new life and didn't proactively integrate into this new environment. Instead, I adopted a lazy attitude, passively letting time flow by, lying in the waves of fate, wherever it washed me, I just continued to lie there. I complained to my old friends that I hadn't recognized everyone in my class, yet I never took the initiative to participate in socializing; I complained that my school had no activities, yet I was unwilling to participate in the few precious school activities; I said my university life was particularly lonely and dull, a fake university life, yet I isolated myself and showed a social anxiety demeanor to everyone around me, pushing away all potential friends. In summary, I am not satisfied with my current state. This aimless, unmotivated, and muddled life really wears down one's willpower. If I let myself continue like this, I might not be far from becoming the version of myself that I dislike.
Therefore, I feel it's necessary to reflect on my issues. Although it's hard to summarize myself positively, it's relatively easy to pick out one or two unsatisfactory flaws. I've been thinking about this for several weeks, pondering many scattered thoughts, which can roughly be divided into two aspects.
First, I lack self-control to an extreme degree.
I can't count how many ambitious afternoons have been crushed by YouTube's algorithm. I know I have things to do and plans that shouldn't be delayed, yet I have virtually no resistance to the entertainment in front of me. Every time I think back, I can't understand how I could enjoy video after video, episode after episode, movie after movie while being burdened by the anxiety of deadlines. But at that moment, I was willing to choose immediate satisfaction over long-term benefits without hesitation.
Because of this strange bad habit, all my pre-planned schedules have become essentially ineffective for me. No matter how well I plan, there will always come a day when I don't complete it, and once that day of unfinished tasks accumulates, the resistance to completing my plans becomes even greater, making it easier for me to slide back into low-level entertainment.
I have had those ideal high-efficiency days before, but it seems that in my memory, those days never lasted long. I can't think of a reason right now, but at least I know that finding a way to keep myself awake and do things that truly benefit me is urgent.
Secondly, I am extremely restless.
This restlessness manifests in many ways; the aforementioned obsession with quick and shallow entertainment is one of them. As for studying, I perfectly exemplify the "tip of the tongue effect." This evaluation was first pointed out to me by my high school history teacher as a warning, and looking back now, it is indeed very accurate. I am satisfied with a superficial understanding of all knowledge, as if I am learning these things not to truly master them, but to appear as if I have mastered them. Therefore, I indulge in various shallow "popular science" content. I can spend a lot of time reading a bunch of short articles and watching short videos, but I might be unwilling to spend the same amount of time reading textbooks or tackling academic papers. Sometimes I make excuses for myself, saying I might not like the content I'm studying, but for fields that truly interest me, I also only skim the surface. Once I get a basic understanding of something, I lose motivation to delve deeper. Short articles and videos easily create a false impression that "I am learning," but in reality, they trap me in a comfort zone that I've just entered, and I happen to dislike being satisfied with staying in my comfort zone.
I may not be able to immediately rid myself of restlessness, but I believe that realizing I am a restless person and acknowledging that restlessness is my fatal weakness might be the first step toward change.
What kind of person do I want to become?#
I have seen a lot of content online about "Atomic Habits," and my understanding is roughly this: every small habit we have is like an atom that makes up who we are. In other words, our habits will determine what kind of person we are. I deeply agree with this. I have made plans more than once, written down my expectations for life more than once, and used various efficiency tools and apps more than once, hoping that through these, I can become the efficient person I idealize and live a meaningful life. However, the reality is that I have been defeated more than once by my own disliked and ingrained habits. Perhaps I can hold on for a day or two, but over time, I will automatically slide back into my previous muddled living habits.
I don't want to lose hope because of this. On this ceremonious day, I still hope to look forward to the future with a sincere attitude, to imagine the life I idealize, and to carefully think about what kind of person I truly want to become.
First, I hope I can calm down.
This expectation seems to have been raised by countless teachers since middle school, yet at that time, I didn't understand what it meant to be quiet or restless. In the relatively oppressive and restrictive environment back then, the difference between being quiet and being restless was hardly noticeable under a strict schedule. Unless one skipped classes and didn't turn in homework every day, it was really hard to see any difference between a quiet person and a restless person. However, when I reached university, especially after entering this university, I could freely allocate my time, and I began to see the huge difference between quietness and restlessness, from mindset to behavior. When I close my laptop and pack my bag to head back to my dorm after class, thinking my study time for the day is over, some classmates stay in the classroom, and their study time is just beginning; when I am anxiously looking at my textbook before an exam, trying to understand the knowledge I should have mastered in class, some classmates are confidently preparing for the next exam; when I finally finish my exam and feel I can relax, some classmates have already started their research projects or are preparing to exchange or study abroad. The gap widens unintentionally every day, just as I mentioned earlier, every subtle difference in habits turns me and other excellent classmates into two completely different types of people.
Therefore, I hope I can set aside the mentality of seeking quick success and cramming at the last minute, recalling the study state of my middle school days. This time, it's not about being pressured by school and teachers, but about my own expectations of myself. I shouldn't waste more time consuming fragmented information. Perhaps I should start reading books, or perhaps I should calm down and seriously watch a movie, allowing myself to focus more on things that have long-term significance, rather than being gradually consumed by a few minutes or tens of minutes of fragmented content.
Secondly, I hope I can be proactive.
As mentioned earlier, in university, I have been lazy and negative. Before course selection, I didn't even know I could choose courses or what courses to select. When the deadline for scholarship application materials was approaching, I didn't even know I met the application criteria. I had no idea how to calculate credits, how to apply for projects, or how to study abroad. Sometimes I really doubt whether I could have a good university life without my two diligent roommates. I remember I wasn't always like this, and I don't want to become this kind of person. I suspect part of the reason is the huge psychological gap during the university phase, but as mentioned earlier, I can't blame anyone but myself. Since I have already reaped the bitter fruit, I should quietly taste it; this is not a reason to choose comfort. A few days ago, while watching Harry Potter with my brother, there was a line from Dumbledore that I particularly liked:
Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.
Moreover, I believe my current situation is far from the "darkest of times." What I need to do is to turn on that light and regain my passion for life. After all, for a negative person, life crashes into them every day, while for a proactive person, they embrace life every day.
Furthermore, I hope I can do more.
One night before bed, while chatting, I poured out my various sadness, confusion, disappointment, and pain since entering university to my roommate. He smiled wryly and said he had seen a quote from Yang Jiang: "Your problem mainly lies in reading too little and thinking too much." I felt enlightened. I have spent too much time on useless "thinking." I have spent countless nights thinking about the unfairness of life, past mistakes, what others say, and my own future... However, during my university years, apart from textbooks, I really haven't read a single book or accomplished anything significant, wasting two years of my time in thinking without learning. I always complain that life isn't what I imagined, that I shouldn't live like this, yet I have never truly done anything to change the status quo. This is certainly not a healthy state. I hope that the future me can be someone who dares to take action because empty thoughts will always keep one stagnant. Only by taking steps can one more likely move toward their goals.
Having said that, finally, I hope to find a goal.
Regardless of what success theories or motivational quotes say, they all emphasize the importance of having goals, but I have never taken it seriously. This is because the goals they mention are always linked to one's heart's desires, such as finding passion or joy... but the life I am currently living is completely different from what I yearn for. I never thought I would really spend my whole life studying liberal arts, nor did I ever think I would focus solely on research, nor did I think about whether I wanted to be a lawyer or something else. At one point, I even lost sleep over this (of course, just feeling distressed without doing anything about it), thinking that in my next life, I would definitely study computer science or photography design. Therefore, I have never seriously considered what my goals or the life I hope for look like based on the current reality. Now, sitting in a law class, every time I hear the teacher say, "You will all work in law in the future," or see competitions and training related to law, I feel a strong sense of panic inside. It feels like there's a voice telling me that I will never fit into the legal circle. So, whenever I think about the future where I might be destined to grow in this circle, I feel a wave of panic and uncertainty. But rationally, I know that thinking this way is not a solution. The reality is already like this; in this game, the hand I have been dealt is what it is. I can choose not to play and leave the game, but I currently have no intention of doing so. Since I have to continue playing, envying others for having better hands is useless. There are others with worse hands than mine, but I can't change any of that. All I can do is to play this hand as well as I can. Saying this is easy, but truly accepting fate and facing the harsh reality requires a lot of courage, and I happen to lack courage in such matters. So forgive me; I may need a bit more time to adapt, but I also realize that time is really running out. Therefore, I still hope to recognize reality sooner, abandon unrealistic fantasies, and start making the necessary efforts.
Epilogue#
Sun Tzu said: "The good fighters of old first put themselves beyond the possibility of defeat, and then waited for an opportunity of defeating the enemy. To be unable to be defeated depends on oneself; to be able to defeat the enemy depends on the enemy. Therefore, the good fighter is able to put himself beyond the possibility of defeat, but cannot make the enemy certain of defeat. Hence it is said: Victory can be known, but cannot be forced. The invincible is to defend; the invincible is to attack." — "The Art of War · Military Formations, Chapter 4"
I have always particularly liked this sentence from "The Art of War": "To be unable to be defeated depends on oneself; to be able to defeat the enemy depends on the enemy." No matter how the world changes, improving oneself is always a necessary task. However, I often gather too much information while doing too little to truly improve myself. Therefore, I always hope to remind myself with this sentence: Before complaining about the world, first check if I have been strict with myself. Now that I am 20, I dare not open the time capsule I wrote before the college entrance examination at 18, because I clearly remember that I have no face to answer each question filled with curiosity and longing inside. A year spent seriously can feel long; I hope that at this time next year, I can face the expectations of my 18-year-old self with relative composure.
At 20, my expectations for myself remain the same as before: to always be innocent, to always maintain curiosity, and to remember that no one can replace you in living your life. There will always be time to ponder after death, so please live calmly and seriously in this life.